Deadfall in Berlin Read online

  ”Ja, ja, ja. Before there were three or four thousand animals,” added Loremarie. “And now there are less than a hundred. I saw the remains of Pongo, the gorilla. He was caught in the heart of it, and all that was left was this shrunken black skeleton, you know, sort of burned and engraved onto a rock.”

  “Dear God.”

  “Mtoto, the rhinoceros, was blown to bits, too,” I said. “But Knorke, the hippo, lived through the firestorm by just sitting in his tank of water.”

  We passed the remains of the Ufa-Palast, that once great movie house, and before us stood the Bahnhof Zoo, a long, low, modern train station with elegant steelwork and a wealth of sparkling glass long ago disintegrated. Turning, I spotted part of the towering Zoo Bunker, then peered to my right through the iron fence and saw the ruins of the elephant exhibit, a templelike structure of domes and towers and bright tiles that was still exotic even though it had been squashed like a sand castle. And around it: torn trees, twisted trees, splintered stumps. A ghost jungle. In my mind I could still hear the grotesque cries.

  Something moved. Erich. He was alone and laughing, hanging onto a fence and holding out a handful of brown, wintry grass. Then a long dark trunk curled out. Next a war-broken tusk. Finally elephantine ears.

  “That's Siam,” I told Joe, recognizing my pachyderm friend.

  Loremarie nearly stopped in her tracks. “Ja, but where's Eva?”

  I shrugged and ran on. Officially, the zoo was closed, and had been closed since that fateful night of destruction, but I charged on, knowing where to breach the fence. Just as Erich and I had done often, I pushed aside a loose bar, wormed through, held it open for Joe and Loremarie who had to squeeze themselves through the tight opening.

  “Hold your hand nice and flat!” I called to my brother as I hurried up to him.

  “It is, it is!”

  Just as I arrived, the elephant schnozzle groped about, landed on Erich's open hand, and hoovered up virtually all of the blades of grass. Erich laughed in delight, then carefully studied the clear slime left in his palm. Wiping his hand on his pants, he turned to me, his grin long and proud.

  He saw Joe approaching, and pointed to his head. “Hey, what happened to you, Mister?”

  I said, “He ran into a tank.”

  “What? Nee, Aunt Loremarie was playing with eosin again.”

  Horrified, Loremarie rushed forward, a finger to her lips, hissing a hush. Kleiner Erich. Just a boy, we all laughed. No, he hadn't blown it. Not this time. No one was around, no one had heard, no one would surmise, no one would report us. Sometimes Erich knew when to be quiet, sometimes not. So what. He was just a kid.

  But Erich really was like me. We knew too much. We knew about the black market and fake papers and Anton and…

  With her face puckered, Loremarie asked, “Erich, where's your mother?”

  He shrugged.

  “You mean, she left you alone?”

  Not bothered at all, Erich nodded. “I'm supposed to wait right here. I'm not supposed to go anywhere. And if the zoo keeper comes, I'm supposed to tell him that Mutti has cigarettes for him.” He grinned. “Mutti has cigarettes for him and the zoo keeper lets us come in and feed Siam.”

  A pang twisted my heart, and I turned away from Erich and Loremarie and Joe, and reached through the bars. Siam raised his trunk, and I stroked his bristly, charred hide. All of a sudden I pictured us in Africa, Siam and me. The sky was clear, the air warm. And all around us was this huge, wonderful jungle full of animals. I saw myself climbing atop Siam, then riding off and exploring the rivers and lakes and thick forests and…

  “You have a good imagination, Willi, and someday you will make good use of it.”

  It was so clear in my mind. All around Siam and me there were monkeys swinging on vines. And parrots. Big bright parrots with yellow beaks and turquoise wings and red tails.

  “Willi, there's something else you know, isn't there? What is it you're trying to avoid thinking?”

  She'd been doing this to me all my life, even before Erich was born. She would leave me, park me in some cafe or here at the zoo, and rendezvous with a man. Always a man. But different ones. Sometime she'd even leave Erich and me at a restaurant and slip off. To a hotel. For an hour or two. Sometimes it was for love. Other times for deals.

  I was trembling, shaking all over as if I had a horrible chill.

  “Feel your pain. See where it takes you.”

  I felt sick because, although I didn't know who Mother was meeting, I knew where to find her.

  “That's good. Stick with it.”

  I turned to Loremarie and Joe. “She's back outside. Down by the Zoo Bunker, I think.” She met someone here at least once a week, and I was moving, hesitant at first, then quickly, clumsy step after step. “I'll… I'll go tell here we're here.”

  I broke away, bolted for the fence, squeezed through the bars. No sooner was I on the sidewalk, than I heard a motor roar to a start. A car? I looked in the direction of the monolithic castle of concrete—the Zoo Bunker—and spotted a long black sedan, the kind that would belong to an English movie actor, parked near the ruined planetarium. And there she was. Climbing out of the back seat, straightening her coat and fur-trimmed hat. Mother. Mother? She was laughing and smearing on fresh lipstick. More decadent lipstick in this time of collapse. A man's leather-gloved hand reached out after her. I saw the man's shiny dark leather jacket and I thought, Oh, Scheisse, that's not an English actor in the car. The engine was purring, the man was in the back. That meant, of course, there was a chauffeur. Whoever that man was he was important. Important enough to keep an able-bodied man for his personal service while everyone else from twelve to sixty had been called up to beat back the Red Horde. Car. Gas. A driver. Who was it? Who had that kind of power? Oh. Christ, Mother. What have you done? What are you doing? Why have you cursed me with fear that will always shadow me?

  The hand reached out, direct and confident, and landed on and cupped and caressed my mother's left breast. My heart prickled as if it were being poked by shards of glass. But she laughed. Enjoyed it? Obviously, because she didn't swat away that lecherous leathered hand, but slowly took it and kissed it. Then the car—rear door still open—started off. The vehicle hit a bump, the open door flapped a farewell, slammed shut.

  Mother laughed that high girlish giggle she could turn on, and called, “Auf Wiedersehen!”

  I knew it wasn't the same man I'd seen earlier, the dark swarthy one with the American dollars. So who was this? Who? She laughed, turned and saw me staring at her. Who, Mother?

  She covered her hiccup of surprise well, looking shocked for a brief second, then composed herself. She smacked her lips, dipped her head, then strode around a crater as if she were a model on a runway.

  “Hello, mein kleiner Soldat” she chuckled as she neared me. “I was thinking of you, wishing you were here. And, well, there you are!”

  This time I saw it coming, saw her turning on. No, I wasn't going to let her defuse me. Not now. Not ever again.

  “Who was that?” I demanded.

  “Someone who helps us.”

  “Well, what were you doing?”

  “Just trying to keep us alive, Willichen. That's all.”

  She bent to kiss me, and a toxic cloud of brandy breath swooped over me. I gagged in disgust, and suddenly knew that I was going to live way past this. But not her. Not unless I did something.

  Screwing up my courage, I pronounced: “Mother, we have to leave Berlin.”

  She scowled. “Have you been listening to Joe again? I don't know why he's—”

  “He said there's going to be a raid, a huge one!”

  “Oh, Willi.” She put a hand to her head, tried both to catch her thoughts and keep her balance. “We'll go. Soon. I promise.”

  “But we have to leave right away!” I begged as she strolled past me. “Tonight.”

  “What?”

  “Joe says the raid is going to be on the night of the full moon. That's tomorrow
night, Mama! Tomorrow night! So if we don't leave this evening, then we have to go in the morning so we can get far enough away.”

  “Oh, Willi, that's impossible. I just can't close down the bar. I have so much to take care of. Besides, what does Joe know? War plans change every day!” She held out her hand. “In four or five days, maybe. But no sooner.”

  I refused her hand, stepped away from her. Somewhere in the distance I heard a wail, and I raised my voice over it.

  “Mama, that's not soon enough!”

  Her eyes cut into me, then she reached into her purse and pulled out her little silver flask. “We'll go when I'm ready!”

  “Then I'm going to take Erich! We'll go into the country and wait for you but… but we're going to leave tonight!”

  Her eyes screamed at me, and her voice climbed high. “You'll do no such thing! You'll do exactly as I—”

  Her words were beaten out by a distant ack-ack, ack-ack! I saw puffs of black smoke blooming in the blue sky. I turned, looked down the fence. Loremarie was squeezing through the bars, a Berolina of a figure who popped out onto the street, stood statuesque, and screamed: “RAID!”

  No, not another one, I thought, cursing our enemies, Eisenhower, Churchill and Bomber Harris. Hating them all exactly as Goebbels wanted. Just a few minutes peace. Just an afternoon in the park. Just give us that!

  Somewhere in the direction of Grunewald I heard plops of destructive thunder. Bursts of it. One after the other. Here we were, all of us. Caught away from our little bunker. Away from the little bar where we could burrow in safety. This was bad. Extremely dangerous. We were all out. Exposed. I looked at Mother. She was staring at me, terrified. Then she tilted her head back to down her flask of cognac, took an entire mouthful as she scanned the sky.

  I turned to Loremarie, all alone on the sidewalk, realized what that meant and screamed: “Where's Erich?” Charging at her full speed, I called in desperation: “Where's my brother?”

  “I don't know! Erich had to pee and Joe took him into the bushes! I can't find them!”

  I glanced behind me, saw Mother weave, stumble. “My baby! Where's my baby?”

  Loremarie and I shoved our way back through the bars and into the zoo. Behind me I heard the flak guns atop the Zoo Bunker start to bite: ACK-ACK, ACK-ACK-ACK! Overhead I saw little triangles of silver. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Oh, God. Americans in their stupid glittery planes. Why hadn't the sirens sounded earlier? Why was there no real warning? We've got to find Erich, rush to safety! Got to slip into the nearby mountain of concrete, have to crawl into the Zoo Bunker!

  We reached the elephant house. Split. I ran one way around it. Loremarie the other.

  “Erich!” I cried.

  Loremarie: “Joe!”

  I heard a trumpeted cry. Siam was charging madly about his ruined pen. Trunk held high. Blaring. It was another storm of death and he was dashing around trying in vain to avoid it.

  “ERICH!”

  I scanned blasted cages, twisted bars. Roasted, leafless trees. They couldn't be far. They had to be here somewhere. Desperate, I followed the low fence that circled the elephant pen.

  “JOE! ERICH!”

  And then Loremarie: “Willi!”

  My head spun. There, coming around the other side was Loremarie, holding Erich, clutching him on her hip, his straight-braced leg and all. Her face, however, was still desperate, terrified as she ran toward me.

  “Joe thought he saw you back there!” she shouted. “I couldn't stop him—he ran off looking for you!”

  I heard a distant grumbling. Bombs rolling toward us like a great wave. Joe would be blown to the heavens out here. He didn't know where to go, where to hide. But I did.

  I charged past Loremarie. “I've got to find Joe!”

  “Willi!” she screamed. “Willi, no!”

  “Joe doesn't know how to get to the bunker!”

  Over Loremarie's shoulder, the bobbing Erich called, “Willi!”

  I raced on, down another path, sensing that I'd never be able to move fast enough. Beneath me the ground quivered as the carpet of bombs unrolled. Above me the planes surged. I glanced upward through shattered, splintered trees. Why? Why weren't those planes swooping toward the manufacturing districts in the north?

  “Joe!”

  There! Having abandoned his cane and any pretense of injury, he was racing along the edge of a death-filled pond.

  “Willi!”

  We ran at each other, around the pond and down a path. And then right into one another. Just as quickly, I clutched his hand and spun, desperate to escape this deathly park.

  “Where're the others?” he asked.

  “Up ahead!”

  The first bombs were closing in on us. I could hear them, feel the earth quaking beneath us. The flak guns growled. We ran. Never in my life have my feet moved so swiftly, so desperately. Back around Siam's house—I cried out to my panicked friend—and on through some bushes, around some rubble. I squeezed Joe's hand, yanked him through the bent bars, emerged on the street. Oh, please. Please!

  I saw them just past the burnt planetarium. Dear God, what was taking them so long? Why were Loremarie, my mother, and Erich moving so slowly? Then I knew. I saw Mother sway, stumble. God-damn her! As we ran, I watched her cover her ears, fall to the side, fold in on herself. No! You have to run! Loremarie set Erich down on the ground, reached out for Mother. Reached out—

  An enormous blast shattered my vision, my hopes. A bomb fell into the gentle folds of the zoo, and the earth exploded. A clod of dirt hurtled toward my head, slammed into me. I tripped, skidded to my knees. Joe grabbed me, yanked me on.

  “Willi!” he cried as the horror dumped down on us.

  Somehow we were up and going again as a rain of dirt and tree deluged us. The sun was gone. I searched for Mother and Erich and Loremarie. Vanished. Had they made it to safety? Had they reached the bunker? Somehow Joe and I managed to get around the corner of the planetarium. We charged the enormous, four-towered Zoo Bunker. I looked up to the gods. More little triangles in the now death-gray sky. More and more and more and more. Was Joe wrong? Was this here and now the gargantuan raid he'd been predicting for tomorrow evening? ACK-ACK! ACK-ACK! The flak was non-stop. We dashed toward the bunker. Bomb after bomb rolled toward us, like a giant stomping onward and onward, crushing all in its path.

  Zoo Bunker! Dear Zoo Bunker, I thought as we lunged toward it. The blasts were all around us, blowing everything to pieces. We ran past abandoned prams, dropped crutches. We've got to make it. But no. We rushed to the door, only feet from safety, Führer protection. Oh, Christ. The heavy steel door was solid, sealed. We banged on it, pounded for our lives.

  LET US IN! LET US INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

  But even I couldn't hear our frantic begging over the racket of bombs and flak and, horrified, I realized the bunker was a can, sealed and packed. Filled. Unopenable. I turned, saw a little zoo building sitting there, then saw it explode into gray, powdery dust, rising into the dark sky with a whoosh. We had to get underneath something. I turned. Saw the arched columns that held the elevated tracks emerging from the Zoo Bahnhof. I pointed to it, and clutching Joe's hand, we ran. Safety. Perhaps safety over there. At least something to crawl under.

  There was an explosion that I didn't even hear. The earth belched and all at once Joe and I were flying, picked up like two leaves in a gust of wind. Magically, we were carried. I looked at my would-be father as we were carried along, wishing this were a ride of delight instead of a flight of death. I held his hand, feared that his arm would come off in my grasp. And then we were skidding along the ground, tumbling like two bowling balls.

  Heat washed over me. I laid there, crumpled, my hands bent in, my legs under and around. Heat. Oh, God. I could barely breathe. Incendiaries. I pushed myself up. Joe was not far away, a mound of unmoving man. Rzzt! Chzzzt! Shrapnel started flying, zinging through the air, slicing through life. I looked at my hand. All was fine, all fingers still there, but even as I look
ed, something cut across, leaving a trail of blood.

  Go. GO! I stumbled over, prodded Joe, poked him, pulled him back to life and to his feet. A bomb, okay. Just no burning goop from a phosphorous bomb spread all over me. Together the two of us stumbled through clouds of smoke, found a wagon, and collapsed beneath it. I tasted mealy dirt, was pelted by little bits of buildings. I lay next to Joe. Joe who was no longer moving. Who had a rivulet of blood trickling from his head.

  In a lull of bombs I heard crying off to the right. A familiar voice now rising in her most perfect pitch ever.

  “Mama!”

  She was beneath a nearby lorry, her face black, clothing shredded. Next to her was a furry, gunnysack blob. An unmoving figure. Loremarie. Alive?

  “Mama!” I screamed between bombs.

  She turned to me, her face long and horrible, twisted as if it were made from half-melted rubber. She screamed something. Rose to her knees and crawled in my direction.

  “Get down!” I yelled. “Stay there!”

  Over and over and over she was calling something. Screaming in deathly panic. I didn't understand. Couldn't hear. But then I realized she was calling a name.

  In horror I whispered, “Erich?”

  And with a horrible bob of her head, she nodded. I looked out toward the planetarium and the zoo and the bunker. Green flames were dancing, leaping everywhere, dripping off of trees and blasted walls, rolling and oozing down the street. The air was oven hot, just now beginning to twist and whirl. Oh, Christ, I thought. A firestorm. And mein kleiner Erich was somewhere out there.

  Chapter 16

  I think I fainted. It was so hot, the air so thin, that we all passed out. The flames gusted, blew heat in our faces, sucked precious oxygen from our lungs. And when I woke the planes had gone and the flak guns were quiet and all that could be heard was the gentle, fireplacelike crackling of nearby buildings. Burning. Everything. I felt something move, struggle next to me, and I rolled to the side. Joe. He pushed at the hot earth, sat upright, his face black and smudged and streaked. His hair totally gray with ash.